Thoughts from Dr. Joe: Rescuing Charlie

December 28, 2011|By Joe Puglia

Two weeks have lapsed since Charlie Kamar was whisked away to undergo sensitivity training in Madison, Wisc.

Remember? Charlie was greeting his customers with a hearty “Merry Christmas!” Someone was offended and complained to the political correctness police. He was arrested, tried and found guilty.

“Charlie, I’ll come for you,” I shouted, as they took him away.

I couldn’t pull off this rescue alone. I turned to the Bunters, the ragtag mountain bikers from La Cañada. They’re the last of the rugged individualists and their esprit de corps and swashbuckling swagger will solidify their position as the most infamous of La Cañada’s elite. Since they operate under the cloak of darkness, they have assumed aliases: Captain, Lieutenant, Donner, Navigator, Tinkerbelle, Crash, Brave Heart, Cave Man, Nitro, Florence and Porn Star.

“Captain! Assemble the men, Starbucks, Sunday, 0600 hours,” I ordered.

I stared at the rabble before me and felt like Lee Marvin in the movie, “The Dirty Dozen.” I issued a five-paragraph order detailing Situation, Mission, Execution, Logistics and Communications.

“Gentlemen, train-ups commence immediately. Any questions?” I asked.

“Dr. Joe, when do we go?” inquired Donner.

“We’ll hit em’ the day after Christmas, just like Washington did at the Battle of Trenton.”

Washington was no tactical genius, but he mastered the element of surprise. I’ve been reading Glen Beck’s “Being George Washington” and surmise a miraculous hand guided him. Washington wasn’t that lucky. Would we also be led by the miraculous?

Intelligence would be essential in the prosecution of the mission. I called my buddy Vesuvius Johnson, a special warfare operative. He would coordinate with Crash and deploy The Global Observer, providing boots on the ground with real-time surveillance.

Vesuvius reported that Charlie was being held in a lightly defended compound. The lieutenant and I noted guards, armaments, avenues of approach, extraction points and defilade positions.

“We’re ready,” shouted Florence.

Regardless of family commitments, we’d rendezvous at Penelope’s, at 2200 hours Christmas night.

“We’re ready to risk it all for our friend Charlie,” Porn Star exclaimed. If all went well, we would be home the day after Christmas, opening presents with our families.

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