Anita Susan Brenner
The phone rang. It was my favorite editor. What’s it about this week? She asked.
Postmodernism! I said, excitedly.
No way, she said. Write a funny column,
But Carol, I whined, I’m not funny.
Yes, you are.
But Carol, I whimpered, why can’t Joe do it?
I got nowhere. It’s obvious Joe is her favorite.
The reason for my malaise is that our dog, Miss Audrey Hepburn, a black Lab-Chow mix from the Pasadena Humane Society, misses her boyfriend, Dune.
Dune is a sandy-colored Lab mix who stayed with us during Ana’s deployment. When Ana finally came home, we were overjoyed. But barely week later, Ana left. . . with Dune. Later that day, Rachel moved out. She had a big smile as she drove off in the spare car.
That’s when I decided to cook roast beef. I reckoned we could raise our cholesterol levels and teach Miss Hepburn how to beg for scraps. What they call a win-win situation.
There was just one problem. We are de facto vegetarians.
I had hoped that Dennis Prager would take care of our little kashrut problem, but nooooo. . . He wants to start a synagogue in La Cañada, when what La Cañada really needs is a branch of the Tarzana Kosher Butchers.
Or a Kosher Club. Or a deli.
Or one of those Israeli places that serves shakshuka for breakfast and real hummus and pita for lunch.
I tried explaining all this to my favorite editor, but she wasn’t interested. She concluded the conversation with two words: kosher brisket.
Naturally, I called my friend Roz. Maybe she could tell me if there’s a Tarzana Kosher Butchers closer than, say, Tarzana.
Rozzie, I said, I think they want a cooking column. Roz put it in perspective. She told me how her grandfather used to say that life is like a cup of tea.
“Life is like a cup of tea?” Roz would ask him, “Why, grandpa?”
“How do I know? Am I a philosopher?”
I was at the end of my tether. Roz, I pleaded, just give me a recipe. And she did. Here’s Gracie Allen’s classic recipe for roast beef:
Ingredients:
1 large kosher roast of beef
1 small kosher roast of beef
Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 400 degrees.
2. Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
3. When the little one burns, the big one is done
Now, if only we had a Tarzana Kosher Butchers in La Cañada, life would be perfect.
ANITA SUSAN BRENNER is a longtime La Cañada Flintridge resident and an attorney with Law Offices of Torres and Brenner in Pasadena. E-mail her at anitasusan.brenner@ yahoo.com.
